Is it just me, or do other people have the mental issue of being torn between loving themselves the way they are, and wanting to lose weight and look like all the other cookie cutter women? I know that that little voice in my head urging me to be thinner is just all the social conditioning, media and piggish men out there getting under my skin and causing me to doubt myself... But does that voice have a point?
Some days, I look in the mirror and think, "Yea, I'm hot! Look at those curves, those boobs, that ass! Any guy would be lucky to grope this!" And then the very next day, or even an hour later, I hate what I see, my belly, my stretch marks, my jiggles. Some days, I eat clean, make all my food, lots of protein and raw foods, and I can stick to it. I feel great and light, adapting to the lighter fare. Then on the stressful days, the shitty days, the down days, I just don't have the willpower to resist the carbs and the sugar, the salt and the deliciousness. It's insidious. I'll order a pizza (or two), cave and get that Starbucks cup of molten sugar, or pretend I'm choosing healthy by disguising the indulgence in a Subway sandwich, amongst the lettuce and tomato. After the first slip of the foot off the wagon, I think "Fuck it, may as well keep going. I'll start again tomorrow."
Even in my head, in a single conversation with myself on a drive to work, I flip flop between self love and self contempt.
I have women I love on both sides of the spectrum, full figured and slender. I guess it's easier to iconisize the thin women, because then you are just following the crowd (Moooooo) and that's always the simple, more populated path. But looking at the big girls like me in the magazines and on various social media outlets, makes me love myself the way I am, and even think "I could do that, I have the same figure she does. Why don't people love me for being beautiful?" I know all my pretty, skinny friends are smart, talented women, but just a tiny part of me resent them for being attractive, and having their way in the world be just that much easier for it. People all want to make friends with the beautiful people, hang out with them, do them favors for the chance of being in their life. And I KNOW this for a fact, because I have been guilty of following pretty friends around, hoping some of their coolness, their perfection, would rub off on me, or that one of their other hangers on will overhear me being witty and intelligent, and they might just want to be MY friend, for myself. I always have to try and be the funny friend, because no man would be interested in me for anything else.
So I have a new resolution for myself. And maybe I'll keep it, not being a New Year's resolution and all. I say fuck the pretty friends. I love you guys, but I'm the pretty one in my story now. I'm more than catchy punchlines, a learned mind and a shoulder to cry on. I'm one hot piece of ass and I will be seen as such from now on! You may have the thigh gap and a tiny waist, but I have the tits and ass of a Greek goddess (just look at the sculptures)! You may have glimmering, tan, slim legs, but mine can hike up a mountain and back down, and still rock a pair of booty shorts. You may be the Barbie that most guys are looking for these days, but when I find a man, I will know he's not a shallow swine just looking for a trophy wife. I will age better, and live a happier life for indulging in sweets and carbs once in a while, and not spending all my spare time at the gym or measuring out food or worrying about my calorie count for the day.
My life is rich, beautiful, and mine. So I am the leading lady in this play called life, and I am worthy.
