June Nineteen

I fell in love, and then suddenly, he changed his mind and wanted to be single for a while. So here I am, healing and finding myself again.

I had just recently become content with being by myself and getting to a happy place, and he had to make me fall for him in the most complete way.

No.

I am self-sufficient, I am happy. I don't need to have someone in my life to make it complete. I have a great family who are always there for me, I have several close friends at work to support me through the tough days, and I have a variety of friends to draw from, when they aren't too busy with their own lives.

That seems to be the trend, make really good friends with people and then don't see them for a month or so and they completely forget about me.

I think what had made me happily single before was the solo adventure I took over to Europe earlier this year. I planned it for a couple months, then I just went and did it. I was engaged completely with the planning and self-sufficient aspect of it, what it would be like to travel alone for the first time in my life. I lived alone in a different city for university, but there was always family just a short flight away and family friends in the city. Going over to a country where I had no ties, no one to answer to, no one I had to meet, absolutely no one... that was freeing. I had no one back home I wanted to want me, I had a few sexual encounters with a Viking I met while overseas, and one with a fellow traveler. Now I'm free to pursue those activities back home, and all I think about is him. I still love him, but I hate him for getting behind my walls and occupying space in my heart and my head.

My friend told me it just takes time to get over heartbreak, a fact I am all too familiar with from the last 5 years. I guess it had just been so long since I was heartsick that I forgot how painful it is.

Another friend of mine is going to get me out into nature, weekend trips, get me out and meeting new people and getting fit. I envy how free she is and how she approaches relationships; I hope I can learn some peace from her.

I am beginning yoga again, hope to bring more meditation, mindfullness and calm to my heart and soul. I feel torn in so many directions it hurts inside. I want all these things I can't obtain or have lost, and perhaps a more yoga-centric life will help me balance everything. Also, then I can get stronger and more flexible and do awesome yoga bendy shit, even more bendy than I am already!

I AM going to be at peace.

I AM going to be happy.

I AM myself, and I am single.