New Year, New Aureka

Around rolls that time of year again, the time for reflection on the days passed, on the resolutions fallen by the wayside or upheld, and most importantly of all, the time for the mulling, pondering and making of new resolutions for the coming year.

First off, I resolve to blog more. At least one post a week, if not daily. I am aiming for daily, I promise, but you know life, it happens. But now that I have the app on my iPod for this blog, I can write them offline, and as soon as it connects to the internet, it automatically posts them! It's going to be more difficult now that I don't ride the train to work everyday (I really should have taken advantage of that while I had it to write more :( ), but when I'm waiting in line, or before I go to bed, or if someone else is driving, I will endeavor to write more about my life.

Secondly, I resolve to procrastinate less and act more. I wasted so much of the last 6 months being lazy, lying in bed, watching movies and surfing the net, but it stops me from living life, learning new things and experiencing the amazingness of my great country.

Third, I will maintain my relationships with my city friends, texting, emailing, even snail mailing! An addendum to that note: I will work more on all my relationships, family and friends, casual and business contacts.

Fourth and finally, I will get a job in my field and continue with my personal projects. These are a fantastic filler of all that time I used to spend on the computer. Don't get me wrong, I still love my computer and I am not giving it up completely. I will just limit my time to useful things on the Internet, and when I catch myself just sitting there to watch for the sake of watching, I will get my ass up and do something productive! Or at least multitask surfing with something else productive :D

Only time will tell how well I follow through...

Proper Attire For Public Forays

Ok ladies, I thought we covered this with all the magazine articles months ago, but apparently you aren't getting the hint. So let me say this one more time with emphasis...

LEGGINGS ARE NOT TROUSERS!!

I don't want to see you pantyline, or lack thereof, and I certainly don't want to see your See You Next Tuesday in all it's Spandexy glory.

Stating the Freaking Obvious

Look, I can see from my poor score that I am not playing the game very well. I don't need you pointing it out after every fucking play. Thank you.

Reaching My Limit

The ex still doesnt know what he wants, and so I'm stuck here, not getting a permanent job in case he decides one thing, and finding places that are month to month so I can leave if I need to, and he's not considering me into any of his plans at all. I'm getting so sick of it!


Apparently he thinks we have no banter and we fight too much, but we really hadn't fought much at all before he disappeared a few days ago when he was "busy" and couldn't find a spare fucking second to drop me a quick email from his smartphone to let me know he wouldn't be on for a week, when I was sitting there waiting for him to come online so we could talk about what I'm going to do in the near future and how that's going to affect us.


And now, it sounds like he thinks we don't even have a future, and all that stuff he said when he was here was complete bullshit. So we are still stalled, and my life is still on pause. Nothing is permanent, nothing is concrete.


Well, screw him then. If he doesn't want this fantastic woman in his life, then he can just go fuck himself.


I have to start moving on with my life. Won't get signed into a contract yet, probably, if I can even get a job like that, and definitely won't get tied into a year lease. Maybe a 6 month lease, but for sure not a whole year.


There's also the possibility of moving home to save up money, so when life decides to happen, I'll be prepared for it. It's been a long time since I've actually had any money in the bank.

Roommates and Moving

My lease is up at the end of the month, so I've been looking for places today. Emailed a bunch, and got a few responses. Two sound really sketchy, they say they have the keys with them in London (consequently they are both in London) and need someone to "take good care" of their apartment, which one of them inherited from their dead dad. So noooooo on those ones. I have one viewing tomorrow, meeting the couple that live there, and maybe that will be it. But I'm not putting too much stock in it, as everyone else I talk to has had to see quite a few places before they find one they like with people they can stand. I'm really hoping that this place isn't a basement shithole like this one. I love my roommate, but I can't stand this place! It's too short, the shower sucks, the kitchen is laughable and it's freezing. The only thing I like about it is the ledge around the bedroom is kinda funky. That is literally it.


Speaking of roommates, I was thinking about sex in a cohabitation situation. My roommate assures me that her and her boyfriend aren't having sex while I'm there, not that I would care one way or another, I say have at it! But these two seem like such a sexless old married couple already, and they aren't even married yet! I just want to shake her and say "Jump his bones!" Poor girl. They're pretty religious (I think), so buttoned down and proper. If I had a boy in my bed, you can guarantee we would be getting it on at all hours of the day and night.


I wonder if my new roommates will be like that, or just get it on whenever they want, and at what volume... My roommates one summer didn't know that I stay up really late, and I heard them having what sounded like really great sex. It kind of turned me on! It's like live porn, but the nice kind, with an actual couple.

Single, Officially...

So, I have been officially single for 3 months now, all of summer, and didn't really have a summer romance. Too much with the still talking to the ex, who SURPRISE! came over to try and work things out. It was actually really nice, most of the time. There were a few tense, several hour long deep conversations about what was wrong with our relationship, etc.


So now he's back at home, and we still talk almost every day, back into the routine of minor arguments and chilling, sharing jokes (inside and new), and being each other's main source of support (only sure of that on my end, but I think it's mutual...).


Now I'm going to say something crazy.


I want to be with him.


Yea, that's what my friends said! It's crazy! Do you remember all the reasons you ended it?? Do you remember being miserable all that time you guys were on a break, trying to move on? Why would you go and undo all that work? What about all the other fish in the sea, one of which you've already sampled??


The thing is, we has such amazing chemistry, and the sex is incredible (a few things to teach him, but I think we can work on it, even though, you know guys, so sensitive about being told they can't do something quite right). And we have 3 years of history, making it through hard times, and sharing amazing experiences that I doubt I would have with another guy.


So now, I have 2 months left on my lease, and he wants to "just see how things go, and how we get along". I don't have time for this shit! I either need to keep looking for a permanent job, and a new place (because I am not spending another year in this shithole), or need to look into moving over there, and getting my other stuff back home.


He really needs to get his ass in gear.

Single

So you know that point in a relationship where you can't think of anything to make it go back to the way you were, so you decide you have to try something drastic? Well, that's where we went. My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot. Almost every conversation we had that consisted of more than basic small talk ended in a fight.


It seems like we have always fought, ever since we first lived together, we had intense fights (with great makeup sex, by the way). It just seems like they get more and more frequent, and the good times seem shorter, unless we consciously try not to fight. But relationships aren't supposed to be like that, are they? On some level, they have to be easy, the good times have to be the largest times.


So we had a long long talk on the weekend, and finally decided that we needed to take some time to ourselves and figure out what we both needed at this point in our lives. Then, on the day before Valentine's Day for me, Valentine's Day for him, we broke up. 


We both bought cards for each other, but we make a plan to have our own Valentine's Day when we get back together... if we ever do. At this point, I honestly don't know which way he is going to go. I know I want to make it work, but it just seems like he isn't as deep emotionally in this relationship as I am. We laid out ground rules for the "hold", as we are calling it, because it doesn't sound as permanent.


I cannot stop thinking about it. Every single thing I see, hear or read seems to be about long-distance relationships not working, breaking up, crying... ugh. We lived together for months, so everything in my house reminds me of him, everything in the city reminds me of us! So I'm just trying not to think at all, having a movie on at all times at home, blowing my ear drums with blaring music at all other times. I just don't know what to think or feel right now, all my emotions are all over the place (PMSing doesn't help at all) and I just want to sleep. Sleep through the rest of university, through the "hold", through everything. 


I guess we'll see how the next few months of my life turn out. It feels like it's all on the edge of a cliff for the moment.






Song of the Month: Cry Baby by Cee Lo Green

Up and Down

So I checked out a picture of a girl on facebook that my boyfriend says is pudgy, and shes skinnier than me!! What the hell does he think of me????? I know I have a bit more meat on my bones than some girls, but I didn't think I was that big. When I'm not trying to impress him or get a compliment, I feel fine about myself, even glad I'm a bit bigger, because it means I am stronger, better suited to survive and take care of myself. I never felt like I needed a man to make me feel safe, but it's something he really wants his girlfriend to feel


Also, apparently I'm an average 8/10 for sex, but all his previous girls have been about 8/10 too!!! Everyone knows that in a relationship, you stroke your partner's ego, even if it's a little white lie. I did it for him! I compliment and stroke his ego so much, but whenever I need a compliment or am having a down day on myself, he pokes fun at me. I know it's a joke, but it feels like I never hear anything positive about me from him these days.


We've been having some bumps in our relationship path, and when I hear things like that, I can't help but think "what if he finds someone skinnier, cuter, smaller, and above all, there in the same city as him, never mind on the same continent. He has a close girl friend that he loves hanging out with and going drinking with. He says he isn't attracted to her, but I still worry. And now there is another girl friend of his in his area that invited him to BALLROOM DANCING!!!! This is the girl he said he didn't find attractive because she is pudgy. He says he wants to go learn, so I made the argument that it's something I want to learn with him, but he doesn't see it as a big deal. I don't feel like I'm being over-sensitive, but so many things he says and does these days that hurt my feelings.


I just don't know...