Sex

It's kinda worrying that we don't have sex as much as we used to, even though we've been away from each other for 4 months. It started when I got here, I was unfortunately on my flow, so no sex for like the first 4 days I was here, then his roommates were home for the weekend, so the first time we finally got to bone was 11 in the morning and the cleaners were downstairs. Hot. I don't know why I don't feel horny these days! It's just too freaking hot here. Thank Einstein the mercury is going to drop this week so maybe we will want to cuddle under the sheets and hopefully progress to some squeeky-squeek. It sucks living with roommates that we have to fuck around. I much prefer it back at my place that we have a set schedule to work with.

It feels like he's lost sexual interest in me sometimes. In front of his friends he wants us to be like just friends, and save all the coupley stuff for when we are alone. So I said fine, I'll try it for a bit, but when he treats me like that all day, while still expecting me to get him stuff and carry all his shit around like a girlfriend, it pisses me off! If you want one, you have to give me at least a bit of affection in public, or you can fucking get your beer and food your fucking self! It's not just a relationship when you fucking want it to be! GAH!

Self

I feel like I've lost my sense of self here. We keep having stupid little fights over the most ridiculous things, and he calls me a liar when I say something I think is true but my understanding is wrong. That's not lying in my opinion, that's a misunderstanding of the situation in the first place. But I didn't apologize for being mistaken, so he got pissed and yelled at me, so last night was kind of a write off. But he sleeps stuff off well, so today is better.

I'm a bit annoyed as he won't even let me give him a peck on the cheek in front of his roommate, because they don't want to live with a couple. I think they can handle a couple kisses here and there, and we haven't even made out since I got here, so I really don't think they are bothered. They haven't been here most of the fricking time anyway! 

The lack of kissing is a bit of a worry to me though. It makes me wonder about the attraction between us. I'm ready and raring to go, but he doesn't seem to want to snog me or even kiss me very much. He says he never liked to French kiss (not what I remember from Christmas and last time we were together) and that I should know him better! Well I can't fucking know you if you keep changing your whole personality! Bit of exaggeration in there but he does change faces a lot. 

Is it a bad sign if I have been here for 3 days and I still have all my stuff in my bag? I have a toothbrush in the bathroom and a jacket and dress hung up (expensive ones) but other than that, I don't even have a shelf for my stuff that keeps falling around in my bag and I have to dig through it. I would be happy just for one for little stuff, not even clothes. Girls, you know what a pain it is to dig to the bottom of a backpack for makeup and jewelry.

I came upstairs because he's playing video games and getting really heated and doesn't want me to see him like that, his words. So... by my reasoning, if he doesn't want me to see him like that, shouldn't he refrain from playing while I'm around and save it for when I go out with friends? You know, that makes sense in my mind because I came across an ocean for a summer to be with him, and he wants to sit and play video games that just piss him off! It does not make any sense to me at all.

Anyway, here are a few images for your viewing pleasure.

Here

I'm finally with my boyfriend and things were a bit weird for the first day. He's had a lot on his mind and there was some dramatic things going on in his life that I got here just in time to witness. Lots of stress, so it was a bit tense, but we've talked about a few things already and the communication is a lot better in person, like I had hoped.


It's been nice just being with him again, being able to touch him and cuddle him and kiss him. There have been a few problems with the house and stuff, nothing that can't be sorted, but makes it a bit difficult with me here. We've just been hanging out, doing some cooking, but I have to get on with finding a job quick, which is really intimidating. I'm getting a bit worried about being able to actually find a job, and scared about working in a foreign country. I guess I'll just have to deal with it.


All in all, wouldn't be anywhere else :)

Letdown

I really need to stop getting overexcited before plans are finalized. Yet another case of letting my optimism get ahead of my logic. Thought it would be easy to get over to my boyfriend's country today after my travel documents got here, but nooooo something has to go wrong with the flight booking. And now I have to wait until she gets in touch with me, because I have no way of initiating it. So, now I'm back in limbo, working on my tan and watching more Sex and the City :). 

I go through cycles of obsession with TV shows. This week, a reviewing of Sex and the City. Unfortunately, Tudou seems to have taken down the stream that has every single episode that play one after the other :(. Sadness abounding. This is the next series on my list to get. Finally got the whole Friends series, but it doesn't have near enough sex and hot clothes in it for my taste these days. I can't wait until I have enough money to buy some gorgeous shoes and dresses...

Her dress from Paris makes me yearn for the streets of the City of Love, and of course the figure to pull it off.

This iconic dress is cute, but I absolutely loooove the gladiator-esque heels. I bought a pair sort of like that in London last summer, but I haven't had an occasion to wear them. That's what happens when you are a tomboy who loves heels the is still in university and doesn't go anywhere fancy.

Another one of her massive flower concoctions, not really a fan, but the all over pose and ambiance of the photo, I adore. I can't wait until I can get a good SLR camera with some filters and play.

I couldn't find a better picture of this dress, but I think it is absolutely gorgeous. I want my wedding dress to be this simple and elegant.

I have a new thing for knit scarves. I finished a purple one of my own, but then less than 6 months in to wearing it, I lost it! So now I've started over, but I can't wait to get some red yarn this color and start an extra-thick, extra-long one.

So this isn't exactly clothes, but I love the simplicity of the interiors in Sex and the City. I can't wait until I can afford my own place so I can go to town on that bad boy.

So those are my thoughts on fashion for now. As you will learn, I am extremely eclectic and have no set style at all. Just roll with it, baby :)

Hormones

Right now, I am sitting at my desk in front of an open window with early evening sunshine pouring in, a light breeze carrying the noise of children down the street up to my ears, watching Sex and the City and snacking on homemade baked garlicky treats. Life could not get any better for me under the circumstances. Things have been a bit shitty lately, but I have realized how much crappier they could have been. I'm really not that hard done by. I have an amazing boyfriend, the best parents in the entire world, some sweet ass siblings and some good friends. I have more than the basic amenities, an amazing talent for making things (food, art, love ;)), brains above the average person (it's not my opinion! I've been told.), and my health (which, yes, I have a bit of work to do on). So here is what has been on my mind a lot lately.

I think it's my hormones raging, but every movie I watch has either a wedding or a baby in it. I want those. Not right now, because of the stage in my life I'm in, but sometimes I just want to feel what it's like to be pregnant. I think I am more excited about the pregnancy than about having a child. Is that bad? My sister thinks that means I'm guaranteed to have Post Partum Depression. I think that just means I'm not ready for kids. Or maybe that just means I'm crazy. Who knows.

I would love to have babies with my boyfriend. I think my dark hair with his blue eyes would be gorgeous. We are both fairly tall, so that would be great. I know we both love sports, so our kids would grow up playing games, going traveling, climbing trees, riding bikes. We both have the same beliefs (Atheism) and have the same family life (close families and friend units, same home life, same upbringing) so I know we will bring up our kids strongly together. I'm still not at the phase where I can actually picture all this in my head, but we have talked about how many kids we both want. I'm still not even sure that I want kids, and he wants as many as he can afford :). Which may be a whole fricking lot, as he is in banking! Just thinking about it is ouch... I wish I could picture our future in my head, but I think the fights we have on a regular basis are putting doubts in my mind. I'm hoping this summer will allay these fears and get us on the right track again. Until, that is, the fall semester starts and we go back to long distance until Christmas, if we can swing it this year.

Note on the last post. I recently began speaking to the first long term relationship I had (and ended after 3 years). Every single conversation he has on Facebook on his feed is like "wish you all the best for your ambitions" and "good luck in all you do". Those are his standard responses, even to birthday wishes!! What the fuck is that!? It's like he's a robot! Or doesn't have a big enough vocabulary to expand these messages. Though I do think he trades of one for the other, so it's not so repetitive. Now I know I made the right choice to end things with him in our first 2 months of college. I cannot be with someone who isn't as smart as me and is that small town. Yes, I'm from a small town, but I do not want to marry small town.

Food and Love

I adore cooking.

This is to the detriment of my figure, as I am quite an accomplished hobby cook. I cook for family and friends. I love cooking random gourmet meals from scratch. The freshest ingredients are like drugs to me (although I have never tried any drugs, so I can't really compare...), I can't get enough of them. I love going shopping for fresh vegetables, great fruit, fragrant bread... herbs! Herbs are so much fun!

This February, I started a few pots of my own herbs:

- Lemon basil

- Italian basil

- Rosemary

- Thyme

- Oregano

- Cilantro

- Chives

- Lavender (I think)

- and a Garlic clove that started to sprout, so I threw it in an empty patch in one of the pots.

I think that's the tally. They took a while to sprout, but they are finally filling out. I won't be able to use them for another couple months, but as soon as I get back from my relocation to London for the summer, fresh herbs, here I come!

Just a side note, I love the Sex and the City series. Quote of the day : "I want a Bourbon and I want to go down on you, not necessarily in that order."

I can't wait to get over to my boyfriend's place in London so I can cook him all these things I've been making for myself. Hopefully this will help me to not eat everything by myself and curtail the weight gain. We decided to get healthier together, yoga and healthy food :). I feel this is going to be good for us to do things together, because living on different continents for most of the year. He has a habit of hurting himself in sports and other activities, and is having surgery sometime soon, and I'm so glad I can be there for him this time. It's hard on both of us to be away from each other when we need the other one. I really feel like we are going to move to a better stage in our relationship with this uninterrupted time together.

Normal relationships progress in a much different way than ours has. A few dates every week, progressing to meeting the friends, then family, if that all goes well, then it's the "I love you" step, then more commitment, etc. Ours went and is still going in random order and at massively different speeds. He met my family 3 weeks after meeting, we lived together after knowing each other for 2 weeks (long story, no, I'm not insane, yes, it was fantastic having that much amazing sex :P), and even now, the steps are all screwed up.

I makes me wonder how the future is going to go... is everything in our relationship going to be screwy like that just because we've done the first few years of it long distance? I overheard a woman the other day saying that she's been in a long distance relationship for 7 years! I don't know if we could survive that, we fight a lot because of the miscommunications due to the technology and distance. I don't know. I can really see myself with him in 10 years. I haven't honestly been able to do that in previous relationships. A few years, yes. Painting together in our studio (last ex), traveling together (first serious relationship), but beyond these, I couldn't see us buying a house together, handling financial problems together, getting married or raising kids. Of course I had the romantic thoughts of getting proposed to, etc. But in reality, those relationships weren't mature enough.

So this summer will be interesting, to say the least.

Women

Since I lost a bunch of weight after my last major breakup, I've been really aware of my body. I did yoga for a while, never joined a gym in my life. I am going to start running this summer, me and my guy are going to start doing yoga together (yay better sex), I'm going to get him eating healthier, and I may join a gym when I get back.

So for some inspiration, I collect idealized female forms. I'm not going to go that skinny, don't worry, because I have a generally larger body type than any of these women. But if I can slim down and tone up a bit, that is good enough for me. And no way am I going to become all buff and veiny like those gross body building women. Ick. Anyway, here are some gorgeous pictures I have found, love the photography in them, the last one is mostly in there for the art in it, reminds me of a classmate of mine's art style.

Mysteries

I always find myself intrigued by mysterious and unsolved things in the world. The Romanov family, phenomenon in the natural world, mysterious people in history. Is it weird that I'd rather read all day, every day about this stuff than hang out with people I get annoyed by easily? I just love history so much, I hate reading about current affairs or theory to apply to my life now. I'd rather learn about what happened in years past, every thing at least 40 years old.

Stupidity

Dumb people bother me. Really, is it that hard to understand a sentence that is more than two lines long. And not even a real line, 2 Facebook chat lines in length! Dude! Take a second, read it again, out loud if you must.

Banana

I found something to substitute for ice cream. I was craving something with chocolate and sweetness in it this evening, so I dug into my freezer and grabbed one of the frozen bananas in there. Peeled it and sliced it, topped it with a bit of honey and then powdered it with cocoa. Really yummy, really sweet and fewer calories and dollars than Ben & Jerry's. Just my tip for the day.

Passion

Sometimes, I wish I met a passionate Greek or Italian, someone who loves life and isn't all hooked up on the financial stability. We would live in a rustic villa overlooking the ocean, go swimming every day, have a small sailboat and go fishing. The boat would of course have a freezer on it so we could flash freeze the fish and eat sushi sushi sushi! Rice cooker on top of the freezer. Fresh fruit in a hanging net, yogurt in the fridge, a blender beside the rice cooker. Mmmm I could live forever like that...

Side note: I love Turk's phrases for dirty stuff. Scrubs. Looooove it.

Fight

I hate fighting about the stupidest little things that, for some reason, bother him so much! Sometimes I really don't understand what logical reasoning occurs in his brain. It makes me wonder sometimes if we are the best match. He doesn't get some of my inner workings, I don't get some of his... does that mean we don't work? We work so well as a team, fights are occasional but we are both really strong personalities, both pretty stubborn.

What I love about him is that he pushes me to talk problems through when in all my past relationships I just pretended like they didn't happen or just buried them. This makes my current relationship probably the healthiest one I've ever had.

Of course, the passionate, adventurous sex is a plus :)

Though with that, it bothers me that he's done all this stuff before with his ex. My two serious boyfriends, I took their virginity, so it's not like they were up for really kinky stuff. I think the most kink I got in my first relationship was sex against a bale in the hay field. And in the hay loft of the calf barn. Second relationship, it was outdoor sex at my grandma's farm, in the bushes, not very exciting. Although this was in college, so there was a short foray in to the bum play area, one finger, didn't get much further than that.

So that's the extent of my kink in my previous relationships, casual things didn't get any more intimate than doggy style because of the limited comfort with the person. Solo, I had a couple bullet vibrators and some other little sex things (body sugar, nipple cream, etc) that I got with the last ex and kept because, you know, screw him.

The current BF keeps hinting, well more like saying repeatedly daily, that he wants anal and a threesome, and when we fly together, airplane sex, and asks "Don't you want to be that box tick on my list?" What the fuck is that??? I don't want to be a ticked box! I want to be in a relationship in which things happen that are a first for both of us, not being compared to an ex. I've seen pictures of the ex; she looks like a skank. That's probably the jealous girlfriend in me talking (jealous because she dumped him, he was broken up about it then went on a worldwide one night stand binge that ended with me). I guess I'm just insecure because I was just another one of the girls he met traveling. Long story.

I have decided this summer that I'm going to be more detached from the relationship. How is this a good thing, you ask? Well, I'm more invested in this relationship, from where I see it. Everyone says that, you say? Facts:

- I'm moving to his city for 4 months in the summer to live with him and have to find a job and my own place. Scary shit.

- I sometimes sit around all day waiting for him to come online so we can talk. Lame, yes. Can't help it.

- I told him I loved him before we were officially dating (long story, we were basically together for a year before he actually asked me, which is what mattered to him).

I've told him 3 times, and the closest he's got is "You know I could love you." Thanks for that. I always love when a guy says he might love me someday, if I'm good enough. It was enough for me when he said it, because I know how hard it is for him to commit, to anything. But now that I'm moving for him, to a different country none the less, I don't know if it's enough to just be in a relationship. I need another step. Steps are hard for him. I get that. But I need something so I know I'm not just wasting my time and he's going to decide I'm not good enough and then bail easily because he doesn't have the same emotional investment that I do.

Anyway, enough venting. Despite it all, I'm deliriously happy when we're in a good groove :)

Overhaul

I have to learn to save. Now, I know what you are thinking: "How much do you spend that you think you need to learn how to save??"

The answer is not that much! I don't drink, smoke, drink coffee everyday (I drink chai tea lattes occasionally. I was addicted in my last month of this term, but that's the worst it's got yet), I shop moderately (like most of the money I spend is on food by far, then on art and design supplies), I haven't been on an actual shopping trip in almost a year. My boyfriend is a frugal dude and I love him for it, because he has turned me on to the thriftier side of life. I look for deals when I buy food, supplies and clothes.

I have recently started to sophisticate up my wardrobe, starting with my undies. Saucy. I found, when I moved to the big city, that my wardrobe is supremely small town. Jeans are my staple, and I live in my black tank top. My night out shoes are Chucks and my favorite purse is an Army surplus bag with a tied on strap and a massive vintage pin. I have a few dresses in my closet, but I've worn the majority of them twice at the most. I love the way heels look, hate the way they feel, so wear those even less. So for the big city, I have tried to punk out and polish up my look.

Less cotton candy, more candy apple.

Less carnival, more Cirque de Soleil.

Less little kid, more fashion designer...

with a few marbles lost.

Fewer primary colors, more luscious colors. Jewel tones, neutrals and of course, my already staple, black. No sparkles or sequins, but I already abide by that rule. Fewer really bright colors (but not removing them completely) and more rich colors. I want sophisticated but funky. I love the funk. I absolutely love Betsey Johnson. If I had one, she would be the designer I would wear to grand balls and openings.

So this is why I must learn to save. Spend less on food, fit the clothes better! I have to start saving to get the perfect staples to a wardrobe: the little black dress, the leather jacket and pants... that's all I can think of at this moment, but I shall continue to add to the list.

Funkiness

My Dream Halloween Costume

Faces

Soooo...

Yea, I haven't done any running, but I found something I am going to start once I'm healed. Oh yea, I am apparently under so much stress right now, that I clench my jaw so hard at night that I put my jaw muscle into spasm. So basically right now, I can't chew, I can barely open my mouth and it hurts to swallow, yawn, talk, smile, anything really. Due to all this fun, I can eat almost nothing, have to stock up on drinky things, and mushy things, so I really don't have very much energy at all, get tired taking a shower. Pathetic, yes. And oh yea! It's going to take 3 weeks to a month to heal! Yay! :( Poor boyfriend, no Blow Job Week during my flow. Oh darn :P

So the running is going to have to wait til I get some blendable foods tomorrow.

Just a side note to do with training, but really has nothing to do with it: Asterix and the Vikings the Movie is Awe.Some. They matched the art to the comics so well, it's amazing, turning the motion implied in the drawings into actual movement. Tho I have to say, they didn't replicate the voices that were in my head too well for some of the characters. I thought the blacksmith's voice would be deeper, Asterix is too high. The Chief, Getafix and Obelix are pretty good... I don't know. Guess they should have asked me :) Despite that, I highly recommend the movie if you enjoyed the books as a child.

Anyway, so the running plan I got from a fitness magazine. It takes 30 days to get up to speed. It goes like this:

Day 1 - Run 1 minute, walk 29.

Day 2 - Run 2 minutes, walk 28.

Day 3 - Run 3 minutes, walk 27... and you get the idea.

So this is how I am going to do it. Sounds like a pretty good buildup, as I already walk everywhere speedily (no car and rarely have bus money) so maybe I'll go up in 2 minute increments and work towards an hour of running. We'll see how it goes.