Fight

I hate fighting about the stupidest little things that, for some reason, bother him so much! Sometimes I really don't understand what logical reasoning occurs in his brain. It makes me wonder sometimes if we are the best match. He doesn't get some of my inner workings, I don't get some of his... does that mean we don't work? We work so well as a team, fights are occasional but we are both really strong personalities, both pretty stubborn.

What I love about him is that he pushes me to talk problems through when in all my past relationships I just pretended like they didn't happen or just buried them. This makes my current relationship probably the healthiest one I've ever had.

Of course, the passionate, adventurous sex is a plus :)

Though with that, it bothers me that he's done all this stuff before with his ex. My two serious boyfriends, I took their virginity, so it's not like they were up for really kinky stuff. I think the most kink I got in my first relationship was sex against a bale in the hay field. And in the hay loft of the calf barn. Second relationship, it was outdoor sex at my grandma's farm, in the bushes, not very exciting. Although this was in college, so there was a short foray in to the bum play area, one finger, didn't get much further than that.

So that's the extent of my kink in my previous relationships, casual things didn't get any more intimate than doggy style because of the limited comfort with the person. Solo, I had a couple bullet vibrators and some other little sex things (body sugar, nipple cream, etc) that I got with the last ex and kept because, you know, screw him.

The current BF keeps hinting, well more like saying repeatedly daily, that he wants anal and a threesome, and when we fly together, airplane sex, and asks "Don't you want to be that box tick on my list?" What the fuck is that??? I don't want to be a ticked box! I want to be in a relationship in which things happen that are a first for both of us, not being compared to an ex. I've seen pictures of the ex; she looks like a skank. That's probably the jealous girlfriend in me talking (jealous because she dumped him, he was broken up about it then went on a worldwide one night stand binge that ended with me). I guess I'm just insecure because I was just another one of the girls he met traveling. Long story.

I have decided this summer that I'm going to be more detached from the relationship. How is this a good thing, you ask? Well, I'm more invested in this relationship, from where I see it. Everyone says that, you say? Facts:

- I'm moving to his city for 4 months in the summer to live with him and have to find a job and my own place. Scary shit.

- I sometimes sit around all day waiting for him to come online so we can talk. Lame, yes. Can't help it.

- I told him I loved him before we were officially dating (long story, we were basically together for a year before he actually asked me, which is what mattered to him).

I've told him 3 times, and the closest he's got is "You know I could love you." Thanks for that. I always love when a guy says he might love me someday, if I'm good enough. It was enough for me when he said it, because I know how hard it is for him to commit, to anything. But now that I'm moving for him, to a different country none the less, I don't know if it's enough to just be in a relationship. I need another step. Steps are hard for him. I get that. But I need something so I know I'm not just wasting my time and he's going to decide I'm not good enough and then bail easily because he doesn't have the same emotional investment that I do.

Anyway, enough venting. Despite it all, I'm deliriously happy when we're in a good groove :)