Hormones

Right now, I am sitting at my desk in front of an open window with early evening sunshine pouring in, a light breeze carrying the noise of children down the street up to my ears, watching Sex and the City and snacking on homemade baked garlicky treats. Life could not get any better for me under the circumstances. Things have been a bit shitty lately, but I have realized how much crappier they could have been. I'm really not that hard done by. I have an amazing boyfriend, the best parents in the entire world, some sweet ass siblings and some good friends. I have more than the basic amenities, an amazing talent for making things (food, art, love ;)), brains above the average person (it's not my opinion! I've been told.), and my health (which, yes, I have a bit of work to do on). So here is what has been on my mind a lot lately.

I think it's my hormones raging, but every movie I watch has either a wedding or a baby in it. I want those. Not right now, because of the stage in my life I'm in, but sometimes I just want to feel what it's like to be pregnant. I think I am more excited about the pregnancy than about having a child. Is that bad? My sister thinks that means I'm guaranteed to have Post Partum Depression. I think that just means I'm not ready for kids. Or maybe that just means I'm crazy. Who knows.

I would love to have babies with my boyfriend. I think my dark hair with his blue eyes would be gorgeous. We are both fairly tall, so that would be great. I know we both love sports, so our kids would grow up playing games, going traveling, climbing trees, riding bikes. We both have the same beliefs (Atheism) and have the same family life (close families and friend units, same home life, same upbringing) so I know we will bring up our kids strongly together. I'm still not at the phase where I can actually picture all this in my head, but we have talked about how many kids we both want. I'm still not even sure that I want kids, and he wants as many as he can afford :). Which may be a whole fricking lot, as he is in banking! Just thinking about it is ouch... I wish I could picture our future in my head, but I think the fights we have on a regular basis are putting doubts in my mind. I'm hoping this summer will allay these fears and get us on the right track again. Until, that is, the fall semester starts and we go back to long distance until Christmas, if we can swing it this year.

Note on the last post. I recently began speaking to the first long term relationship I had (and ended after 3 years). Every single conversation he has on Facebook on his feed is like "wish you all the best for your ambitions" and "good luck in all you do". Those are his standard responses, even to birthday wishes!! What the fuck is that!? It's like he's a robot! Or doesn't have a big enough vocabulary to expand these messages. Though I do think he trades of one for the other, so it's not so repetitive. Now I know I made the right choice to end things with him in our first 2 months of college. I cannot be with someone who isn't as smart as me and is that small town. Yes, I'm from a small town, but I do not want to marry small town.