June Nineteen

I fell in love, and then suddenly, he changed his mind and wanted to be single for a while. So here I am, healing and finding myself again.

I had just recently become content with being by myself and getting to a happy place, and he had to make me fall for him in the most complete way.

No.

I am self-sufficient, I am happy. I don't need to have someone in my life to make it complete. I have a great family who are always there for me, I have several close friends at work to support me through the tough days, and I have a variety of friends to draw from, when they aren't too busy with their own lives.

That seems to be the trend, make really good friends with people and then don't see them for a month or so and they completely forget about me.

I think what had made me happily single before was the solo adventure I took over to Europe earlier this year. I planned it for a couple months, then I just went and did it. I was engaged completely with the planning and self-sufficient aspect of it, what it would be like to travel alone for the first time in my life. I lived alone in a different city for university, but there was always family just a short flight away and family friends in the city. Going over to a country where I had no ties, no one to answer to, no one I had to meet, absolutely no one... that was freeing. I had no one back home I wanted to want me, I had a few sexual encounters with a Viking I met while overseas, and one with a fellow traveler. Now I'm free to pursue those activities back home, and all I think about is him. I still love him, but I hate him for getting behind my walls and occupying space in my heart and my head.

My friend told me it just takes time to get over heartbreak, a fact I am all too familiar with from the last 5 years. I guess it had just been so long since I was heartsick that I forgot how painful it is.

Another friend of mine is going to get me out into nature, weekend trips, get me out and meeting new people and getting fit. I envy how free she is and how she approaches relationships; I hope I can learn some peace from her.

I am beginning yoga again, hope to bring more meditation, mindfullness and calm to my heart and soul. I feel torn in so many directions it hurts inside. I want all these things I can't obtain or have lost, and perhaps a more yoga-centric life will help me balance everything. Also, then I can get stronger and more flexible and do awesome yoga bendy shit, even more bendy than I am already!

I AM going to be at peace.

I AM going to be happy.

I AM myself, and I am single.

January Eighteen

Ok! Getting better at living my healthier life, let time moping around, bemoaning my lack of a partner. I don't need no man! Then I watch any movie/TV show...

Got back to the boot camp today, hated hauling myself there, but I was find once I was in, as always. Too lazy afterwards to go grocery shopping, so I just came home and ate more overcooked pork. Hopefully the weight keeps coming off at the same pace. Even if I'm 10lbs lighter by the time I take my trip, I would love it. But I knooooooow I'm going to eat the fuck out of everything on holiday, so I'll just have to start again when I get back. Although all the walking will help balance that out.

Other than that, not much to report today. Cute guy I was going to ask out for drinks moved to another city, just learned that today, so that kinda sucks. Oh well. One more guy to fall out of crush with.

Now to tank up on water and head to bed!

January Fifteen

Yet another day off sick. I can't hear shit and I think I have a sinus infection... Yay! Quite a party! Went through my office/studio closet, weeded out some old clothes and moved crap around on the shelves. Overall, did not much. Felt good though. Filed pay stubs. Reeeeeeally need to get up the drive to haul all the cardboard and garbage down to the bins. So lazy. I blame it on the headache and the cold sweats.

Oh!! Finally finished reading the old blog the New York girl wrote about cooking through Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Was kind of an anticlimactic wrap up, but I guess that's how real life is. Uuuuuuugh my faaaaaack my sinuses hurt! But it hurts to blow my nose too... Gaaaaaaah!

Sitting at work makes me wish I had the day off, but then having time off to get better suuuuuuucks. I'm so bored! I don't want to go out and get more people sick, and I sure as hell don't want to clean the fucking kitchen, so I'm stuck watching more of The Office. I think all the awkward is making me more sick. God damn I wish I had a guy like Jim. He's so sweet to Pam. And tall! I need a tall sweet guy. No! Fuck that! I don't need no man!...*sigh* Yes I do. Dammit.

January Fourteen

Oh my Goooooood, so horrible at this!

So, got strep throat again, so at home for a couple days. Slept all day yesterday, like seriously 8:30am to 4:45pm. It was crazy, but it felt sooooooo good. The pain moved up from my throat to my sinuses and head, so that made sleeping that night fun.

Today ran to the office to finish the passport application, got that in the mail, with tracking, so hopefully that will get there and *fingers crossed* everything will be in order. Fuck I hope everything is good on there... Not going to think about it!

Now I'm back to puttering around the house, watering plants, washing dishes, tidying up. Watching so much awkward acting in The Office that I may be brainwashed...

Had a fun playtime with a friend I went on a few dates with like 4 years ago, with whom I have occasional couch cuddle/hair stroking nights with over the last few years. Finally got him in the sack!! We started talking about little kinks and stuff we are into, and he wanted to play with my violet wand! I haven't had anyone use it on me for a couple years! It was so much GD fun! Aaaand now I haven't heard from him in 4 days... Oh well, it was fun while it was happening.

Now! I shall be better! Talk to you tomorrow!

January Nine

See? Told you I was horrible at keeping anything up with any consistency. I shall endeavor to better myself at this diarying thing.

Today I dozed all morning, having various streams of unconsciousness, filled with crazy dreams. It was glorious. Woke up around noon, spent two more hours in bed lazing around, reading and catching up on Instagram feeds. Now I'm burning a bit of time while I get ready to go to my work Christmas party. Lots of drama over what we call this party/dinner, due to several people in the office having very loose, but talked about very superiorly and holier than tho... ly, religious views. You'd think what other people call it wouldn't matter, it's about getting together with colleagues and celebrating the end of another year, but no, they had to freak out. So I, true to form, freaked out at them, so we will see how much of that surfaces tonight over too many drinks. I just don't give a fuck anymore.

Fingers crossed!

January Eight

Well fuck. I had a whole awesome post written, and I was just going to edit a bit then post, and the fucking phone deleted it on me. So you get "Excitement about Paris!" and I'll write more tonight. If I remember... and aren't out getting drunk...

January Five

Yet another inspiring day at the office. Ugh, I never imagined myself saying that, having an office job. I remember in college, I had amazing dreams of making a living as an artist, moving to Paris or London or San Francisco... I wish one could still survive as a starving artist, mooching off good people and picking up odd jobs here and there in between creating incredible works of inspired genius.

Today was one bitch of a day. I puttered around, paperwork and work on the floor, but damn if it didn't go slower than some of the days just before Christmas. One good thing with the slow pace was I got to solidifying my travel plans! It started out as some interest in the rugged beauty of Iceland, and over time, it has progressed into a month off work and a three country trip. The reading about the 1920s in Paris stretched the two week trip to Iceland to three, then I figured, fuck it, make it a month and stop over and see A in London on the way over. Maybe. I have spent tons of time in London over the last 6 years. Maybe she can come for a weekend in Paris! That would be fun, traveling with her again.

Hopefully this will give me the will to stay at the dead end job with mediocre compensation for another year (give or take...) until the economy turns around again.

The trip also gives me a close deadline to lose the weight I want, get back to my healthy weight. Gotta look fantabulous in those travel pictures! ... All by myself... but that's another story!

Onward to health and adventure!

A

January Four

Slept like crap last night, still on the holiday routine I guess. First day back at work, blaaaaaargh. I thought maybe after a couple weeks off, the stupid customers and grating coworkers wouldn't make me grit my teeth and run for the quiet of the warehouse... but no, they still do. Damn near first thing in the morning, the idiot out back gets snarky at one simple question, so that brightened up my day immediately!

You know when you feel the tears and the pain just behind your eyes, and one tiny thing makes it almost come rushing out? Today was one of those mornings.

On a positive note, after all the shit happening in my life recently, strep yet again, a cousin's suicide and then the holidays with a bit of a damper, I finally got back to my boot camp. Reeeeeally didn't feel like it this morning, but as the day wore on, it just seemed kind of inevitable, so it didn't feel too forced. Felt good actually.

Amazing how much less thought and inspiration one has during a week day than a free day... anyway, that's all for now.

A

January Two/Three

Apologies for the late entry, I spent the day with my parents, making our secret honey and lazing in the sun (Dad said I must be part cat). I finished watching Eat, Pray, Love. It just made me want to learn Italian and move to Italy. Then I watched Midnight in Paris, and I want to take a detour on the Iceland trip to spend a week in Paris, but first, must practice the French.

The movie brought me back to the obsession with the culture and people in Paris of the 1920s. Thus I find myself back at the library, with another stack of books in front of me. I really must do better with this stack, the last stack of 5 books, I read about 3 pages from one book and then got sidetracked by life. Isn't that always the way?

I wish I lived in a time of such volatile and free creativity, but I suppose that's what all artist yearn for, the golden years gone past. But who says we aren't in another golden age of art and the arts? Every decade has it's own Hemingways and Picassos and Monets... it just seems as though we are stuck in an age of boredom, distracted by all the political and social upheaval of the time, blinded to our own spark of genius by the past masters.

I have so many creative outlets I want to explore, painting, drawing, knitting, stained glass, carving, hide tanning and leather work, writing, print making, photography... it seems like an overwhelming mountain of opportunities and unborn masterpieces. I feel caught in a web of too many directions to explore. Perhaps if I dedicated one month at a time to each sphere of practice, I wouldn't feel torn. Each would have their own set time for exploration and enjoyment, my studio could be set up for one medium in particular and not a clusterfuck of creative supplies. I like this idea...

Now, I'm off to savour delicious food and drink at my favorite bar, and bury my head in one of these gilded accounts of the days gone past...

A bientot,

A

January One

Didn't go to bed until 4am last night, saw some of the neighborhood fireworks, watched a bunch of Family Guy and Bridget Jones a couple more times. Played a bunch with the new camera, rediscovered the focus ring on the lens (duh).

Woke up around noon today, lazed around and caught up on Instagram new year wishes. Ate the dregs of what food I have had since before the holidays for breakfast. I really need to clean out the fridge and go food shopping. May do the cook book thing. I spent the day putzing around the house, taking down the Christmas tree, vacuuming and rearranging my plant corner and putting up my gallery wall. Love the wall with all the art on it, makes my space come together a bit more.

I have no empty wall space... does that make my home look eclectic artist chic or crazy hoarder lady? Either way, it feels really good to have all the art up in an organized manner. I should get a bunch of cheap frames and paint them all gold to frame all my prints in a wall collection. No, what I really need to do is build a coherent shelving unit that reaches the ceiling, more storage for my books, make it look more like a permanent residence instead of the college crash pad. Make it into a true Bachelor Girl studio. I need to have the art friends I still have over, and get them bringing friends. I want to try to get an old school salon going, like Paris in the 1900's. Artists and bohemians mingling and feeding off each other's energies.

I have been reading a Tumblr of great female artists and thinkers of the 1900's and the decade or two after. Many of them were lesbian or bisexual, having many affairs and drifting between muses and other relationships. Made me think of college when my boyfriend and I would close ourselves up in my bedroom for a weekend, me lounging around and reading, him drawing me in different poses and garbs. We would watch movies and research our favorite artists to get pose ideas. I want someone to do that with, paint them, photograph them, write about them, make love and art with them. Maybe find one of each sex, then I can have both sides of my being stimulated and inspired. I love drawing women, I find their figure so much more lush and exciting than mens' to draw. But men are loads of fun to touch ;). I also want to get back into modelling, even hosting nights here? I don't have much room tho...

I reeeeeeeeaalllly don't want to go back to work. I wish I could make a living writing and painting and making beautiful things. Only the lucky few get to do that for a job.

Well, post for models or mutual artists is up on one of my sites, we'll see if I get any nibbles.

A